It’s crazy to think that in the 21st century,
You could be forced into a duel.
But it happened to me.
Here’s my story; every word is true.
My best friend, his woman, and I
Attended a Christmas dance.
I accidentally stepped on the hem
Of her trailing dress.
I held my foot there. Intentionally?
She walked on, and the dress ripped,
Exposing her e pluribus unum.
Obsequious apologies, but to no avail.
My friend would have satisfaction.
He challenged me to a duel. Me!
As the one challenged,
I had the choice of weapons.
Would I choose pistols? Epees?
For a moment I considered AR-15s.
But, in the end, I chose
Lily pads, at forty paces.
My friend…my ex-friend… was furious!
He remembered that I had been captain
Of the lily pad team at University.
But what could he do? Nothing.
We met on the green the next dawn.
We approached, sodden lily pads in hand.
For twenty minutes I slapped him silly.
Finally, he said, Enough! I am satisfied.
We fell into each other’s arms and
Exchanged the kiss of friendship.
Then we repaired to a nearby bodega,
Where the friendly owner allowed us to:
Sit on a couple of inverted egg crates, while
We ate chips straight from the bags;
Dipped guacamole straight from the cartons;
And drank Tecate from quart cans.
The half naked woman, the cause of it all,
Long forgotten. The friendship restored.
Please remember this true tale —
This tale of Paradise lost and regained —
The next time you are challenged to a duel.
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